Our First 'Big Fight.'

What kind of silly name is that? “Nailah?” did this guy even pray about this? People are going to make fun of my child. They will say things like “Nail her to the cross” and other silly or snide comments. I detest the name. I do not like it at all. 

 

In case you are wondering, what is happening, let me make it easy for you. Those were my humble first thoughts toward the choice of a name for my daughter. Let’s take a minute to backtrack so you can have a clear picture of why I was mad at my husband.

 

Years before I ever thought marriage, I had a dream and in it, I had met my daughter. In my dream, her name was Malika, which means ‘Queen’ in Arabic and Asia; the name means ‘Jasmine.’ Before that dream, I had taken a liking to the name Jasmine and had changed almost all my passwords to the name so it was no surprise to me that in my dream, my first child's name was Malika aka Jasmine. From that moment on, I knew that my first child would be a girl and in my mind, her name was going to be “Malika’ as God had already shown me. 

 

While courting, I would often tell my husband about my dream and the fact that our first child would be a girl. When we went for my first scan, boom, my dream was confirmed, a girl! My joy knew no bounds, I was going to have my Malika even though I had never heard or met anyone with the name, it was unique and I loved it.

 

In the course of my pregnancy, I would often ask my husband to pray and think of names for the baby since he is the father. I for one had already settled that her first name would be Malika and so he could pick whatever he wanted for the middle name. My husband is a pretty easy going person and often allows me to have whatever makes me happy and so I didn’t even think twice about the matter. I had my arsenals all checked (the dream and the sweet husband). Besides, every time brought up the topic, he seemed a bit nonchalant about it so I didn’t think he would mind much but boy, was I in for a shocker.

 

It was a week to my due date and I had traveled to give birth but due to my husband’s tight work schedule, He was not able to be there and in all honesty, it would have put more pressure on our finances. We wanted our child to have opportunities we didn’t have and to do that, some sacrifices had to be made and unfortunately, that was one of them. Then there was safety to consider. Most of my friends who had gotten pregnant around the same time with me had lost their babies ‘due to one form of negligence from our hospitals or the other’ and I was not having that (as if safety was in my hands smh@sese. I know better now though).

 

So, my husband and I were not in the same vicinity and it seemed to be taking a toll on us because we had never been so far apart since we got married. Anyway, while chatting one day, I asked him for the names once more. That was the day I heard the name “Nailah”. Hian!! (Nigerian exclamation for wahala).

 

 I was thrown off balance. I did not see that coming. So I tried to reason with him, or rather try and make him see sense behind picking my name instead. My very easy-going husband was not relenting and I was angry. I tried to compromise by stating we both take the name ‘Imani” which we liked as her first name then the others can be the middle name. Oh boy, the guy was adamant and said no. I tried again with Jasmine as the first name since he seemed to like it then, but alas, I met another brick wall. Man, this marriage thing was getting real. If I were single, I would have done what I wanted, but there I was, having to bend to someone else’s will, and believe me, it was not funny. 

 

This naming thing was going to be our first major fight. I was steaming and didn’t even want to talk to him anymore. I had been saying this name thing for like forever and he had said nothing then out of the blues you spring this upon me! God had given me this name as far as I was concerned and I, spiritual sister Serah felt this man had nothing on me. 

 

I know how important names are and I didn’t want ‘my daughter’ (I say ‘our daughter’ now) to just have any random name. If we were going to take this life term decision, you had to find a way to convince me that this was God and He had spoken to you about it or you had some Rhema or scripture rather than say “while checking for names on the internet, the name just stood out for you.” Truth was, I thought I was the ‘more spiritual’ one I guess (I’ve grown, so show mercy).

 

I didn’t know what to do, so wisdom, asked me to go seek good counsel from people I believed were spiritually sound. My first point of call was my high school senior whose sis was my friend. I sent her a message asking how she and the husband had come about naming their kids. She shared her story and then I shared my challenge. After listening to my narration, I was convinced she would side with me, but she told me a key truth. She said “Serah, if that name is from God, He will speak it to your husband as well, but if He doesn’t and if your husband insists on that name, then give the name to the child. He is the father and the head of your home. Submit!” O chimo (Igbo exclamation). This was not what I wanted to hear at all, even though I needed it and deep down, I knew she was right. So, I decided to ask someone else. This time, an older person who had been married longer; I went to my aunt K who always gives good advice and loves me a lot. Again, I narrated the story to her and what my aunt had to say humbled me. She told me that earlier on in their marriage, she often insisted on having her way, and being that my uncle was as easy going as my husband, he would let her, but as the years went by, she had realized that he stopped sharing things with her and began taking decisions without her because He saw her as an opposition. If it wasn’t her way, she wasn’t having it and since he didn’t want to fight, he would go behind her and do his things quietly. She said she had learned the hard way and my marriage was not up to a year, so I should avoid making the mistakes she had made. 

 

It is often said that experience is the best teacher, but a wise man once wrote that we don’t have to learn from experience when we can learn from other people's own. I had read that expression somewhere and thought it best to use it in this case. Grudgingly, I gave up my horrid and selfish plan to just give the baby the names I wanted when asked at the hospital and let my husband deal with it since I was the one who carried the baby for 9 months and was sure he had not heard from God concerning the issue.

 

Behold, the 22nd of September came and our beautiful hyper active princess was born. Then the question came, “What’s the baby's name ma'am?” I halfheartedly said ‘Nailah Jasmine Imani Mohammed.’ I had given the name but I was not going down like that. So I had complied by being a ‘submissive wife’ and letting my husband’s choice prevail, but deep within, I had not completely submitted and so I decided to call the baby Jasmine and let him call her Nailah. I knew I had numbers on my side being that I had a large family and loads of friends so eventually, people would know her with Jasmine rather than Nailah. I was determined on saving my child from ‘that embarrassing name.’ 

 

Again, the Holy Spirit came at me in the form of my baby sister. She told me she had noticed that our entire family calls her Jasmine while only my husband and his family call her Nailah. I said ‘yes, so what is wrong with it?’ (I knew it, but didn’t want to admit it) She said she didn’t think it was right that way. I knew she was right deep down, but Arhhhh!! Anyway, after our pep talk, I was ready to totally submit and not teach my sister the wrong thing so I decided to call her ‘Nailah rather than Jasmine’.

 

Fast forward to today, I am in love with the name ‘Nailah!’ I even have friends who have named their daughters after her. I was being so stubborn that I hadn’t even realized what a beautiful meaning the name bore and how unique it is. In case you are wondering, Nailah is Egyptian/Arabic and means “One who is born to succeed” and nobody has ever made fun of her name or made comments like ‘ Nailah her to the cross’ as I envisioned. All my fears were uncalled for.

 

What I learned from the situation is that submission is not an easy task, but it is what God has called his daughters to do in marriage. The bible says “wives, submit to your husband’s as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church… Eph 5: 22-24) Submission does not mean you are weak or your husband is right. Sometimes, they will get it wrong because they are human like us, but if you handle it well, you will both be the better for it. In my case, when I got pregnant with our second kid, I learned that my husband seemed better at giving names than I and so I sent a list of names I liked and let him be. He knew the ones I liked and behold, when he was asked the name of the baby, I had a pleasant surprise when I saw her immunization card bearing ‘Anaiah Zahra’ the two names I wanted.

 

I asked him why and he said “I realized I was selfish with naming our first!” guess what? I also got the names I wanted with our son! So my lovelies, submission pays off at the end of the day and whatever arguments you have in marriage can make or mar you depending on how you handle it.  

 

Have a great week and please, feel free to share any fights you have had in marriage that others can learn from.