FRUSTRATED

Have you ever gotten to a low point in your life that made you doubt almost everything you know and believe? Have you ever felt angry, hurt, betrayed and abandoned by the one person you have always found solace in? Have you ever dared to look at God and call him a liar and tell him you do not trust him, nor his words because everything he has said that you believed and held him to just wasn't breaking even? Have you ever gotten to a point that you don't even care what the Almighty God can do to you, in fact,  you have zeroed your mind that if it means him taking your life, he should but you will tell him how you feel without any apologies? Ever sat and wondered or asked ‘where is God when it hurts the most'? I have felt all this and more, so much more! Lucky for you, I have an answer.

For those of you who have never experienced any of these, I do not envy you. Even though then, I may have been tempted to because everything around me simply didn't seem to work. I had tried everything and had played every card in my hand including my joker. I felt as if I was down and out.

Usually, I am an idealist by nature, super optimistic and trusting but at this time and stage in my life; I had just about had it. I have had enough of the church gimmicks, the New Year and month slogans, trying to fall in love with the right guy and praying to find a job or school. I was down and out. Above all, I was angry, disappointed and out rightly frustrated.

The word frustrated as Google defines it is a ‘feeling or expressing distress and annoyance resulting from an inability to change or achieve something'. That explained how I was feeling the year 2009.  Let me backtrack a little:

All through my life growing up, I hardly faced major issues or challenges. Everything that came my way, I seemed to surmount and scale through. I had finished school with good grades, was young, hardworking, exposed, independent, beautiful, loved God and had served in all the right places. Never in my wildest thoughts would I have dreamt or believed that I would finish my National Youth Service and not have a job waiting on my doorsteps, but that was exactly what had happened.

 I had wanted to marry at the age of 22 but from all indications, that was not going to happen. In the love department, I had many nice suitors, but I didn't like any of them enough to date or dare to picture marrying them and concerning a job, no such thing seemed to be happening. I had applied for at least 50 jobs and had attended so many interviews, only to never hear from them again or just get rejection after rejection. Every time that happened, I would simply tell myself, another door would open. Perhaps that was not God's will for me so imagine my pain when all the cards I had in my hand, I had played and still, I had no job and no admission from any university to further my education.

I had tried everything I knew how to. I had prayed, fasted in fact, almost all through my life, I had served God to the best of my ability and loved Him dearly. Nothing ever made more sense to me or made me happier than knowing that God was my father. Being that I had an amazing earthly father, it made it so much easier to relate with my heavenly one.

Goodness, I can still see the last rejection I received and it was just too much to bear. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up. I could not sleep, despite the sleep-aid I had taken. I was in so much pain and distress and what made it worse for me was the fact that the God and Father I have known and trusted seemed to have failed and abandoned me. I could not understand why He didn't want to help me get a job or a school or even find love where I could just get married like most of my friends and relatives. Everyone's life seemed to be moving except mine.

Why did God who claimed to love me, be hurting me so much. It seemed like He just stood there and let the Devil knock me down and stab me again and again and again. I mean, He is God Almighty, the I am that I am, the Alpha and Omega, the One who makes all impossibilities possible so why was He turning a blind eye on my case?

So I decided that enough was enough, it’s time to meet with God and ask certain questions. That night, I went outside and faced God squarely. I was ready to die if need be, what more could he do to me beyond what he was already doing? My life felt almost worthless to me and I was just fed up. So there I was, in front of the house at midnight, facing the heavens and telling (pouring put my pain from the depth of my heart) God everything I had mentioned in my first few paragraphs. I told Him, He was a liar, I didn't trust nor believe Him anymore and in my heart, I was going to leave Jos (where I was living) and go to Abuja to just become that bad girl. I wanted to do something that would hurt God as much as He had hurt me. I wanted Him to feel my pain. I was going to take a drastic step to hurt Him. I laugh in retrospect because if the truth is told, if I had done what I had conceived in my heart, I would have been the one who got hurt and not God.

I was venting to my older sister about my pain and what I thought of God at that moment. I could almost hear my sister on the other side of the line almost in tears as she kept trying to encourage me and answer the questions I was hurling. I kept asking her "why me'? ‘ God, why me'? ‘What have I done to deserve all this'? I see You going to different lengths to help people who don't love You, revere You nor obey Your commands, but here I am, doing my utmost best to just be what You have asked of me and yet, You do nothing to help me.

I said ‘people ask dumb questions like ‘where is God when it hurts the most'? They should not bother asking that anymore because I can answer it for them. He is where He always is when people need Him; ‘nowhere to be found'? The same place He was when His Son was hanging on the cross and calling out to Him for help!

My sister was almost dying on the other side of the line because she had never heard me speak like that and she knew how much I was hurting, but for once in her life, she could do nothing in her capacity as big sister to help me. She was helpless against the situation. She just kept saying ‘remember, you are the special one' (and no, she is not a Chelsea fan for those of you wondering). I had been bashed in so many ways by God, but I always seemed to find the strength to get up, dust myself off and fight again, but not this time, this time, I felt like I was down and out. Game over! I told my sister I did not want to be ‘the special one anymore'. I wanted to be ‘ordinary and normal like everyone else because normal people don't have it as rough as I was. This was not the first time stuff had happened to me, but this to me was more than I could handle.

In my family, I am the encourager the one who can get you through almost anything with words and faith, so imagine when that kind of person seems to accept defeat.

God and I were no longer friends and if I spoke to Him again, it was simply because my mother had raised me right and so I would say ‘good morning to Him and Goodnight but no more chit chat and being friends'! I was done with it and Him as well.

I packed my bags a few days later and was off to Abuja to just do everything wrong. I was done being good. I was going to come and just be a wild child. I didn't tell anyone my plan and so no one could stop me.

I had come to spend a few weeks with my then best friend, Hadiza Aboki (RIP my darling will always love you). When I got there, we spoke about my hurt and my new resolution. Like everyone else, Hadiza didn't know what to say, but being a person of few words, she brought out her Our Daily Manner (ODM) devotional and said we should use it to pray every day. I just indulged her, but my mind was far gone from there. A week had passed and I was still not talking to God, but being a Father who knows his kids well, He let me be for a while.

Hadiza had gone out and I was alone in the house when I heard God begin to speak to me. Our conversation went a bit like this:

GOD: My darling Serah, I know you are angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated. You are so angry with me and I know. Do you remember when you were kids and escorted your mom to the hospital to get your baby sister immunized?

Me: Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?

God: Do you remember how angry you were with your mom for not stepping in to save ‘your baby' while watching the nurses and other people take her blood and give her shots while she cried and cried?

Me: Yes, I remember. I was so upset with my mom for doing nothing. I felt she was watching these strangers hurt our baby while she did nothing. I recall not wanting to talk to her at all after because of it (forgetting that I did not carry this child in my womb for 9 months but hey, I was only about 6 years old then).

God: Do you recall when you came back to Nigeria and your little brother of fewer than 2 years caught pneumonia and had to be given a lot of shots to treat him?

Me: Yes, I remember. I remember how depressed my mother was watching my uncle give him shot after shot while seeing her son cry helplessly, but she could do nothing to stop the process.

God: Serah, your mother didn't stop the process with any of your younger ones not because she couldn't but because she is a parent and every good parent knows that if they stop the process, the child can die. If your mom had said " Doctor, Stop it, my baby is crying too much, I can't stand to see my child in pain and had taken any of them away, there was a major possibility that pneumonia would have killed my brother or in the years to come, any of the 7 killer diseases could spring up and being that my sister was not immunized against it, she could easily die. Your mother didn't step in because she loved her kids too much.

Just like your mother, I am a Father, Your Father! I love you more than you could ever imagine and that is why I sent My Son to die for you. If I could sacrifice Him to save you, then is there anything good that I won't give you? You asked where I am when it hurts the most?  Serah, guess what, I am always there. The same place I was when I watched My Son hung on the cross to save humanity. Like your mother, I will not want to stop the process in your life because I want to make sure you are immune to anything the Devil may want to send your way in the near future that may threaten to take your life or take your faith.

Your earthly parents are not happy when they see you crying, hurt or frustrated over this matter so why or how would you think I would be happy? If they could, they would do anything in their capacity to stop you from hurting the way you are but they can't. They cannot love you more than Me Serah and so just know that anything I allow or permit in your life is for your good and will work out for your good perhaps not now but it will.

O my, I felt happy, thankful and joyful. God had spoken to my heart the way He knew I needed it. I didn't execute my Abuja plan again. There was no need to. My father had just taken the time to let me know that He is well aware of all I was feeling and I mattered to Him.

Things did not change for me immediately for those of you wondering. I didn't get a job or a boyfriend or a school offer to pursue my masters that year but I had gotten more than that. I had gotten a word that would stay with me forever.

So here I was, sometime last week watching my life take on this funny roller coaster journey with the worst of them being when yours truly, my Nailah was on admission due to a ‘ high bacterial load and malaria'. While watching them administer drip and give her injections, I was so sad and felt a bit helpless but knew she needed it. Truth be told, whenever my kids are ill, I wish it was me instead. I wish I could take that disease upon myself and let them just be in good health, but as we all know, it can't be. One of the most devastating scenarios is when they come to give her a shot. Being that she is terrified of needles, she screams, cries, begs and does a whole lot not to take it, but we all have to hold her down because we know she needs it to get better.

One of those days, while watching everything play out, I remembered what God had explained to me in 2009.

Are you feeling Frustrated? Or ready to give up and throw in the towel? Please don't. It is all a process and God is working everything out for your good (Rom 8:28). He has not forgotten you and never will. I may not know your exact situation or how you feel, but trust me, I have a good idea. I was there at a point in time, but God brought me out strong. Those are just a few of the reasons why I trust and love Him so much. If it hurts you so much, Shout it out to the heavens and tell Him exactly how you feel. He is not afraid of your pain, your words or your anger rather; He wants to know it all. When you come before Him, bear it all to Him. Trust me, He can handle anything you have to say or do.

God truly loves you and so do I. Please stay in the process!!!