MY HIGH SCHOOL MISTAKE

A few weeks ago, I engaged in a ‘redefining parenting challenge on Instagram'. This program was being issued by someone called ‘@schoolstoreng' in collaboration with @chiomahmomah. They wanted parents to tell them within a minute, one thing that they had gone through as a child that they are trying hard to protect their child from. Anyway, most of the things I wanted to speak about such as timidity seemed to have been discussed by so many parents and so I decided to talk on the issue of ‘communicating love to kids verbatim and not only through actions'. That being said, there was yet another issue that had weighed on my heart heavily but there was no way I would be able to speak about it in a minute so I decided to share it with you and hopefully, read as well as receive comments from you guys in this area.

So, what is this issue I took a whole paragraph to explain before discussing? It is that of unhealthy comparisons. I remember with much clarity and vividness a certain day in high school (I attended Baptist High School in Jos by the way) when I went to check on my school daughter, her name is Zippy D. I went to see how she had been doing with her classwork and after looking through her test papers, I noticed that she had scored a bit lower than some of the girls I knew in her class and so like any good parent, I decided to ask her what had happened. Why did she score a bit lower than the others in those subjects and her reply is one thing I can never forget. She said "Snr. Serah, I am not…… (She called the names of the girls I had compared her with). I am Zipporah and I do not like being compared to other people. Goodness gracious, that statement had hit me hard. It had struck a chord with me and had taught me a valuable lesson I would never forget (I definitely would not have won the school mother of the year award that day).

I immediately apologized to her and gave her my word that I would never do that again. I meant well but the fact that I was comparing her with other people and their abilities just was not right (I was much younger then so please, don't judge Sese ok). If I had just stopped at asking why she didn't score high and see what the problem was as well as seek ways to fix it like suggesting asking one of the other ladies who had scored higher to help her in comprehending the subjects better or even listening to know if it was just a ‘bad test day' and understand that the score was not due to lack of understanding, perhaps I would not have hurt her feelings that day.

Her statement reminded me of how much I truly hated being compared to others and showed me how easy it is to criticize people for doing things to us that we don't like but easily tend to forget and repeat or do to others in the same manner. In that brief moment, I had forgotten how much I disliked it when my Paternal Aunts and Uncles always seemed to compare me with my ‘seemingly perfect older sister' in our early years.

I am the second born out of 5 and the second girl. I have an amazing older sister (we call her Smallie) whom I love so much and have learned a great number of things from including my knowledge of the bible and good morals. I respect and cherish her so much because of the value she has added in my life and the role she played as a part-time mommy. However, I hated it every time a relative told me ‘can't you be like your sister Smallie'? Or ‘what are you wearing like that? Can't you see your sister'..? Thank God I made good grades in school else you can imagine what the question would have been. I resented it and didn't fancy being around them much because of that.

In the beginning, I tried to behave like her or dress like her because I reckoned it may help gain me a few points in their good books and hopefully reduce the number of complaints and criticisms I receive. I tried so hard but it didn't work much because that was not just who I was. I was Serah, not Smallie. The words and critiques of my aunts and uncles over the years had almost succeeded in creating an unhealthy barrier of comparison in my mind which had somehow caused me to think that it was a positive way of enforcing change and helping someone do better, like the way I tried to do with Zipporah.

It took me years upon years (I am still work in progress) to stop trying to be my older sister and accept myself for who I was and love myself that way as well as appreciate my sister for who she was. I have my strong points as well as the not so strong just like everybody else. I had to learn to accept that and appreciate it. I had to learn to celebrate our differences and not let it serve as a barrier or create a rift of any kind.

 I had shared this story with my husband after reading the ‘redefining parenting challenge' and we agreed that we would take the challenge a notch higher by taking time to write a list of things that hurt us growing up and create a strategic action plan to ensure that we do not do the same things or let others do them to our kids. So with this particular case, I suggested that we do not allow relatives or friends to compare our kids in an unhealthy manner especially when we are there and if we are not, we will teach their minders to also not allow it because of the negative way it can impact on them.

If you are like my husband, I am sure you would be asking so what happens when you are not around to enforce the aforementioned? because truth be told, my relatives never did that or said such in front of our parents and I can never remember any of my parents comparing me with any of my siblings, not even my older sister and if they did, then I have forgotten but I do remember that of my relatives so much because it hurt.

To address that issue my husband raised, we decided to work extensively on building our children's self-esteem to the highest levels and allow them to celebrate one another's strengths and differences. Rather than allow it to serve as a negative, we shall celebrate it as positives. There is no better way to start this process in my opinion than by constantly affirming our love to them and telling them how much they mean to us and how proud we are of them individually because I believe this goes a long way in the lives of children (read ‘the challenged identity on the blog').

So for those intending on visiting our home, this is a head start; when you come to our house, please join us in celebrating the difference in our kids and don't make comments like ‘this one is cuter than that or this one seems faster than the other'. We may take on you politely because we are out to protect the tender years being that it is our duty as their parents to do that while they are growing and discovering themselves.

Everyone is special and unique in their sphere and I strongly believe that God did not create two of your kind. That is why the Psalmist says "I will give thanks and praise to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being formed in secret, And intricately and skillfully formed (as if embroidered with many colors) in the depth of the earth, your eyes have seen my unformed substance and in Your book were all written The days that were appointed for me (even taking shape). How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! (Psalm 139:14-17 AMP).

We are all different; our strengths and weaknesses as well Paul clearly states in 1st Corinthians 12:25-28 "this makes for harmony among the members so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. All of you together are Christ's body, and each of you is a part of it …….) but everything we have has been given to us to serve a unifying purpose which is to glorify God and not be a source or cause for unhealthy comparison and quarrels.

In all honesty, I have never seen or read a place in the Bible where God ever compared any of his children nor leaders. If he is going to correct or discipline, he doesn't say "Joshua, why can't you just be as meek as my servant Moses was ‘? Or ‘David, why did you fornicate? Did you see Saul do such'? Better yet, ‘Solomon, why can't you be as loyal as your father David'? Truly, I stand to be corrected but God does not compare his children with each other in a negative or positive bid to correct them.

However, one thing I do remember in the bible is when Paul in 2nd Corinthians 10: 12b encourages us not to compare ourselves with anyone. Paul says ‘but they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves amongst themselves, are not wise'. So, let us start this week by exhibiting some godly wisdom via celebrating differences and ourselves.

Let us say it together ‘No more unhealthy comparisons' (not even those intended in love) because all they truly end up doing is lead to discontentment, resentment, anger, bitterness, and envy if not controlled or attacked early. Trust me; those are not qualities we want to build in any child or person.

Food for Thought:

 Growing up, were there ways you were compared with others? How did it make you feel? Did it help you or make the situation worse? I hope this message was able to drive the point about unhealthy comparisons. Please share your stories with us, and if you are a Parent or taking that role in the life of someone, what recommendations can you make to help us work against unhealthy comparison in our homes.

Looking forward to reading your comments after this!