Just Like Breast Milk

After work on a Wednesday evening, I was getting ready to take my bath when Nailah walked into the room to talk and chat like we usually do as well as to give me an update about her day.

Out of the blues, she asked 'Mommy, is there still milk in your breasts"?  Hmm, where is this coming from? I silently asked myself. It seemed like a bit of an awkward question at the time, but I answered and told her 'no'.

I explained to her that because she and her sister are toddlers now, I don't have any milk since I'm not feeding any baby. She said ok and asked one more thing 'but when my baby brother(s) come (because we are trusting God to have boys next), would you have milk again'? I said yes, because the babies would need milk and so God will cause the milk to flow at that time.

She said ok, smiled in her usual 'I get it 'manner and walked out to play with her sister.

As soon as Nailah left, I began to think about her question and the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.

I had never given much thought to the relationship between the milk flow as food for children and our spiritual lives in terms of God's ability to provide.

Naturally, when a child stops breastfeeding for any reason, the milk dries up after a while and when another child comes or is in the process of coming, the body begins to prepare to provide milk for the newborn as soon as he/she arrives.

God is like that with us in so many ways. While narrating the events of the day with my husband, we began to discuss the different lessons we had learned from our recent 'Nailah saga' some of which include the following:

When we are babies (baby Christians) God continues to supply us with milk in the sense that once you pray, you begin to see immediate results and answers to requests but the older you grow spiritually, He somehow reduces those things and you begin to see that some prayer requests will not be answered in the way and manner you like or that things don't happen instantly, He does that because, at that point, He wants you to grow and mature, so you are fed with more solid food because that's what you need to sustain you as you progress in life and because He is all about fixing our character and making us reflections of Himself. Perhaps that is why Apostle Paul says 'I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food because you weren't ready for anything stronger. And you still aren't ready (1st Corinthians 3:2).

Provision: Before a need ever arises in our lives, God has made provision for it and once you are leaving that phase and moving to the next, He has made another supply available. No matter how Nailah or Anaiah cry for breast milk, I can never give them simply because they have outgrown it and that supply has seized from me, but I can provide them with solid food which they need in this phase to grow well. In like manner, no matter how much we cry over something we want or once had, God may not give us those things because we have outgrown that stage, rather, He wants us to have new experiences. No matter how much you cry for something's in your past, He will not give it to you because it won't be beneficial to you.

This week, I just want you to know that before any need ever arises in your life, God will make a source readily available for you. In normal cases, the woman doesn't or can't produce breast milk on her own accord, but once the baby is forming and coming, God naturally begins to set the supply in motion.

For every perceived need, you think you may have or will have, know that God has seen it and has already started working on ways to meet up with it.

WORDS

Sometime late last year a friend called to ask if Nailah could have a movie date with her kids. I asked her dad and he was ok with it and we knew Nailah would be thrilled because she loves to go out and have fun with her friends.

The date was set for Sunday, 2:00 pm and Nailah was ecstatic about it. All through the week, we spoke about nothing more than the movie date.

Finally, Sunday had come and it was almost 1:15 pm so I decided to quickly dress her up before my friend would come being that she practically lives behind us and I didn't want to keep them waiting (I am not the most timely person sad to say but, I'm working on it). My friend is sort of like a white lady. She is principled, polished and always on time, perhaps because she was a former banker or is simply part of her upbringing and discipline. I don't know, but I always admire her for that.

Anyway, 1:30 pm passed and my friend had not arrived, 1:45 pm, 2:00 pm, 2:15 pm and so the clock was ticking and Nailah was getting a bit agitated because she was yet to see her friend. We all felt sorry for her because growing up, I never liked getting dressed or waiting for Aunties and Uncles that would make promises and not show up. We had all experienced such disappointments one time or the other growing up and so all the adults in the house could feel Nailah's pain and agitation. At some point, my husband suggested I call and find out if the date was still on or if my friend had forgotten and left without Nailah. Both assumptions seemed rather off to me being that I know my friend's character so well. I knew she didn't forget because she asked me herself and she was not one to forget stuff like that or not keep an engagement, but for the love of me, I could not understand what had happened as this was not in her character. I didn't want to call and be like those 'pushy mommies' being that she was just doing a good deed.

It was almost 2:30 pm and I picked the phone reluctantly to place the call and boom, the door burst open and my friend's son stepped in, he quickly apologized on their behalf for coming late and explained why his mom could not come in herself as she had younger kids in the car. Nailah was so happy and practically flew out of the house with him that she barely turned around to say 'goodbye'. I followed swiftly to see them off to the car. My friend quickly apologized for coming late and explained that the movie time had been moved or so and she forgot to call to inform me so we don't get ready by 2:00 pm.

I waved them goodbye and went into the house to breathe a sigh of relief, glad that everything had ended well because our next plan was to compensate Nailah by taking her out for ice-cream or just something close by to get her mind off the movie and not allow her dressing to be a waste nor let her feel too sad about her over anticipated outing that became abortive.

As I got into the house to go about my business, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me a question " Serah, why were you so sure your friend would come to the extent you seemed super reluctant to call her when you didn't see her at your agreed time'? My answer was simple, I know my friend and I know her character, but beyond that, was the fact that I did not ask her to make such an appointment or commitment to Nailah. She did that on her own accord with no pressure attached because I was minding my business when she called to ask if Nailah could go out with them, not that I called asking her or putting her under pressure to do it.

The Holy Spirit then told me that 'Do you realize Serah that there is no promise in the bible that God has ever made under duress? There is not one in over 3000 promises recorded in the bible that man had put pressure on God or forced His hand to make. Every promise you find, He made them willingly and on His own accord and because of that, I would expect that you would believe Him when you read it and not keep worrying or bothering about how He would make it come to pass or if He would keep His words. The same way you believed your friend would show up because you know her character and believed she was not forced to make a commitment is the same way I would like you and every other child of mine to believe that I am committed and bound to My words to keep them because I said I would. The writer of Hebrews puts it this way 'God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind (Hebrews, 6:17 NLT).

I felt a bit ashamed of myself for the many times I had doubted whether God would come through on His words or promises, but I had also learned a valuable lesson that day.

Dear Friends, I pray that as you read this, you would also learn to trust that when God makes statements like 'like ‘You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you','I am your shepherd you shall not want', 'tell me the desires of your heart that I may fulfill', the plans I have for you are of good and not of evil to bring you to a good and expected end' or simply that 'all things are working together for your good', He means them and will do them. Why? Because He made that promise Himself and He is a God of character that cannot lie.

GOODBYE 2019, HELLO 2020

I wish I could tell you I was a bit more enthusiastic about the classes which would hold for 16 weeks, but goodness, I love my morning sleep and those classes were going to eat out of that, but o well, it was either that or keep procrastinating and never truly becoming a member of the church nor finding my space to serve.

So, there I was, in my first Discipleship Training School (DTS) class wondering what new thing I was going to learn being that I had practically grown up feeding on the Word of God. My Mom had ensured that we started having a good relationship with God since I was a child; that and my pink bible which was given to me by my Sunday school teacher, coupled with 6 years of Baptist High School, Jos, Bible Study Fellowship and learning from wonderful pastors so, in all honesty, I was a bit skeptical I would learn anything new at DTS but since it was mandatory for us to attend before becoming members of the Church then, I was going to comply.

Our first-class was on salvation; a topic almost any Christian would be conversant with, but little did I know that there were so many things to it that we often miss and simply take for granted because for many of us, we were born into Christianity and so we just flowed with it.

Salvation, as we were taught ‘is the total work of God in forging a right relationship between mankind and himself. It is God’s remedy for the fall of man. It is deliverance from sin and death leading to eternal life and happiness. Jesus Christ by his death and resurrection brought salvation to all who believe in him’.

I had almost made it to the end of the class unmoved until I spotted one question that sent my mind swirling and my heart beating. It was a pretty simple question‘what can we learn from the condemnation of Jesus and the release of Barabbas? While I pondered over the question, the Holy Spirit brought another question to my mind 'Serah, do you reckon you can do what God did?

Nailah was barely a year plus and she was my world. I could not picture sacrificing my little girl who brought me so much joy for anyone? I would not be able to bring myself to it no matter what. Even if it meant that millions would die if I didn't do it, then I guess they would all have to die because I simply can't.  If ever such a sacrifice needs to be done and I am the one to do it, then I suggest that each man make his way straight with God at that moment and prepare to meet him and their fate because I cannot do it and I won't.

I pictured Mary, helpless and watching as her little boy was being beaten to a pulp and made to carry a cross, he had no business with and a crown of thorns he didn’t deserve.  The thought of it all appalled me and I could not stomach it or the events that brought about my salvation.

Even though I have two girls now, but I still can't think of anything that would make me sacrifice or let one child go to help anyone. No one is worth that much trouble for me, not anyone. Talk more of doing that for an ungrateful bunch of people who may never truly understand the extent of that sacrifice or what it cost me and they could abuse it? Naa, I can't do it and I respect anyone who can do the things I can't do.

There and then, my spiritual arrogance began to fade and give way to genuine gratitude. Never in all my Christian life had I truly understood what it cost God to sacrifice his only child for me not knowing how I would receive or treat this gift and still going the distance to do it. For the first time, I caught a little glimpse of how much God loved me and what it cost Him for me to be saved.

The thought blew my mind, and in all honesty, I guess it may take you to be a parent or a mother to truly comprehend it, but even as an aunt, I can't think of anything that would make me give up any of my nephews or nieces for anyone; I love them too much.

God loves us so much that He gave up everything just to reunite us with Him. He risked it all on a bunch of ungrateful people who rather than appreciate his gift, whine, complain, grumble, insult and just treat it with so much contempt. Perhaps we never truly get it because we didn't pay for it and by the human standard it is super easy to take for granted and abuse something that costs you nothing to get. Very few people like King David may ever truly comprehend this and that is why he says 'let all that I am praise the Lord; He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies' (Psalm 103:4).

As the year 2019 comes to an end, I pray that you can truly catch a glimpse of what it cost God to ensure that He saved and redeemed you from hell, and hopefully it would prompt you to genuine gratitude and help chart your 2020 to be a year where you become more deliberate in things that concern Him and making the sacrifice count.

When I enter cabs, board a flight, enter Keke (tricycle), wherever and whatever I am doing, you best be assured that I am deliberately calculating ways to make my money, time and God’s sacrifice count. I prayerfully seek ways to throw God into our discussion while silently hoping that I can use my opportunity well enough to just share a little about His love with you. Just seeking ways to make the sacrifice count and to make Him know I was worth it and not a waste.

Amongst the many things I have written this year, I pray you read this post and the one titled ‘terrified’ because those lessons for me are the kind you never want to forget.

Have an amazing new year and see you in 2020 by God's grace.

Thanks for reading, supporting, cheering and sharing with us on lessonsfromNailah.

Suprise

Christmas was in the air and spirits were high. Nailah had just made a new friend that year; although she was a bit older than her, they were birthday mates and they had established a very special and admirable bond.

I had shopped and done as much as I could to prepare for the Christmas holiday and hoped that I would be able to make her second Christmas more fun than her first.

I had just gotten to the office when I saw my colleague Ajike and her little girl on their way out because they were traveling to the village for the Christmas holiday. My friend passed me a nice bag and said 'it's for Nailah'!

Apparently, while doing their Christmas shopping, she and her daughter decided to get Nailah a Christmas gift. In all honesty, I was surprised as I was not expecting anything like that. I was truly moved by their kind gesture and thoughtfulness to my little girl and I thanked them profusely.

We said our goodbyes as we also would be headed for Jos that day. While on the trip, my mind kept replaying what had happened. I was so happy and just could not get over what they had done for Nailah. I had shared the incident with my husband and niece and they were as touched as I was.

Nailah, on the other hand, loved the beautiful pink dress she had just received even though she had little understanding of how much it was worth and the love that had been poured into it, but I did.

I kept wondering what could have made them think of my little girl like that!

To some people, it may just be a dress, but to me, it was the thought that had moved me more than anything else. I have never done anything super special for my friend Ajike and her daughter to warrant such kindness and we were not related by blood so there was nothing that should make them do this. They did not owe me anything I thought to myself.

While I was reflecting on those thoughts, I silently kept thinking of ways and praying for opportunities to come that I would be able to do something super special for them (Ajike and her daughter) to show my gratitude.

While I kept thinking and smiling, God told me something that changed my Christmas orientation forever.

God: Serah, you seem so pleased with what your friend Ajike and her daughter did for Nailah right?

Serah: I said yes. I told him how extremely happy I was and how I was just thinking of something I could do to show her and her daughter how much I appreciated what they had done for Nailah.

God told me that the same way I am so happy and moved with the show of kindness to my child is the same way he is happy and moved when we show kindness to any of his children. So also the way I was looking and praying for opportunities to bless my friend and her daughter for what they had done is the same way He also is looking and waiting for opportunities to bless those who have blessed his children and thought of ways to make them happy or bring smiles on their faces. I got the picture and the message and I hope you do too.

Every time we set out to be a blessing, God is also setting himself to bless us for the joy we have brought to the lives of his Children and the reverse holds as well. That is why the bible says ' I will bless those who bless you and curse those who curse you' (Genesis 12:3).

There is no parent on the face of this earth who is not pleased when someone shows/extends kindness to their children. We all learn it from God. So as this Christmas is coming, kindly take time to show kindness to someone. Make someone feel loved, remembered and special. It doesn't have to be something expensive, it just needs to be something that you have put great thought into that comes from the heart, but be like David, who says' I shall not give God what cost me nothing" (2nd Samuel 24:24) for ultimately, every gift you give a child of God is given to the Father as well. So go and spread some holiday cheer!!

Have a Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!

Lots of Love from Lessons from Nailah

DELIBERATE

‘Serah, please pray for us’ that was the first thing my boss told me as we gathered to tackle a pretty tasking memo at the office. A Committee had been formed especially for this as we were to create something that was pretty new to most of us on the Committee. I had been dreading this Committee work for weeks.

I gave a fire branded prayer quickly asking for the help of the Holy Spirit who knows all things and is the best teacher and guide.

The work commenced and before you know it, we had made great achievements and were almost done with it. As it was already closing hour, we decided to reconvene the next day and conclude on all we had done.

I got home and was just pondering over the events of the day when I saw a replay of the day’s events starting from the meeting with my boss saying ‘Serah pray for us’. I watched everything as it happened and how we dispersed immediately after. I heard my prayer clearly asking for help but I didn’t hear myself or any other person go back to say ‘thank you Holy Spirit for the help you rendered us’, rather, it ended with a ‘see you tomorrow’.

Wow, how could we have been so rude by not going back to give thanks?

 I understood what the Holy Spirit was saying and quickly asked for his forgiveness on behalf of the whole team and said a proper ‘thank you, Holy Spirit’.

The next day, my boss was about to start the meeting with a ‘pray for us’ when I shared my encounter with the Holy Spirit. My boss was quiet and asked me about what time it happened because she has experienced the same thing at home and like myself, repented and asked for forgiveness on behalf of everyone and gave thanks.

The room was pretty silent when one of my colleagues who had been keenly following all that was happening made a key statement that caught my attention. She said ‘that means the Holy Spirit was bent on getting that thank you and was not going to relent on it because it was important to him’!

While sharing the day’s events with my best friend, we started talking about how easy it was for us to express profound gratitude to people who do things for us, but neglect to show that same level of gratitude to God when he does stuff for us. It is like somewhere at the back of our minds, we feel it is our right and entitlement. I can relate with that because while growing up, I felt the same sense of entitlement when it came to God. I got so upset if I asked for something that I felt was in accordance to his Words and knew He could do, but didn’t (read my frustrated article to get a feel).

Anyway, everything changed for me with the birth of my daughter Anaiah; where I learned to exchange that ‘entitlement and rights attitude’ for a ‘gratitude attitude’ (check my blog on gratitude attitude for full story).

Safe to say that after that encounter at the office, I began to be more deliberate about going back to say ‘thank you’ to the Holy Spirit whenever He did anything for me, especially when I came asking for help.

Through that experience, I learned that so often, it is easy for the human mind to forget the good things God has done; but the mind easily remembers the ‘seemingly bad’ things that happened. Perhaps that is why David said ‘let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me’ (Psalm 103:2). It is simply because he (David) knows that to remember ‘good’ is a very deliberate and difficult thing for the human mind.

I’ve met people who can give exact dates and detailed descriptions of situations that hurt them but couldn’t remember the good ones or the ones that brought them joy. Most times, it is people who are new in the faith (especially new converts) that remember or people who are deliberate to remember that come back and give thanks. Our feelings of entitlement, rights mentality, and fuzzy brains make us shock God and cause Him to ask questions like ‘didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no-one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner (Mark 17:17-28)?

The year may not have gone as expected but, I pray that you make a deliberate effort to sit down, think and just find a reason or reasons to give thanks. Just look around you and you will find a lot. The fact that you are still standing means there is still hope and God is not done with you yet. So end this year by giving deliberate thanks. As they say; ‘Count your blessings, name them one by one and it will surprise you what the Lord has done’.

FORGOTTEN

It was an extremely hot Sunday afternoon; my boyfriend and I just got out of the church and were headed for my niece’s first birthday. Upon arriving, the house seemed a bit chaotic with different scrumptious meals being prepared at the back of the house. We had left church late and were super hungry.

My boyfriend and I had just started dating and I wanted to make a good impression on him and so I politely excused myself and went to join the other ladies at the back hoping to speed up the food process and get all the goodies out for my ‘foodie’ boyfriend and all other guests.

While slaving in the kitchen with my cousins, I picked my phone to check for something and behold the message I got from my darling boyfriend:

Boyfriend: Hey Dear, have you forgotten me? Everyone is eating and it is getting a bit depressing watching them eat. Even those who came after we have been served and are eating something!

 I could not believe it. Did this guy actually send this message to me? It seems he doesn’t know me well o (those were the crazy small thoughts flying through my head).  Anyway, it’s not his fault; it is because I like him, that’s the reason he’s asking if I have forgotten about him. And here was I, slaving away and trying my utmost best to get all the food out so he can have a selection to choose from, unlike the others who are just stuck with jollof rice, potato salad (which he does not like), cake and meat which were the few things that had been served.

Serah: Father, can you believe this guy? I’m here trying to get the fried rice out, moi moi, plantain, vegetable salad and all the yummy stuff out so I can make his plate full and sumptuous but here he is asking me if I have forgotten him. Simply because he is in the sitting room and the wall between us won’t let him see what I’m doing here.

I had not gone far with my thoughts when I heard God tell me to hush.

God: Are you any different from your boyfriend?

I did not understand; God and I were supposed to be discussing and analyzing my boyfriend’s “insensitive” speech, and not talk about me!

God: So many times, you and so many of my children simply sit complaining, whining, crying and asking whether or not I have forgotten you? Simply because you have no idea and can’t see all that I am doing behind the scenes to get things working for you. While I am arranging a plate for you that when others see, they shall be envious of you, you are there whining, crying and even begging me to give you a normal dish like everyone else. This is exactly the same way your boyfriend was asking if you had forgotten him because he was seeing people who had come after him eating, not knowing the loving thoughts and the plans you are having for him and his plate.

He said sometimes you whine, “…. is getting married or has a job or got admission into a school or has kids, but see me here”, yet I have served you long and loved you more, have you forgotten me? Just the way you are feeling hurt by that statement is the same way I feel every time I hear my children ask this question even though I have made them several promises that I can’t forget them.

I have told you that “the plans I have for you are of good and not of evil, to bring you to a good and expected end”, have I not? I have said that “I prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies and I will anoint your head with oil that thy cup will overflow”. I have also told you that “I will never leave you nor forsake you” haven’t I? Above all, I have told you that “even if your mother and Father can forget you, I, God, can never forget you”, but you still sit there and ask me “have you forgotten me or do you not love me anymore?”

With that type of explanation from God, who was I to still begrudge my boyfriend for his comment? I was humbled and yes, for those wondering, he got a plate full of all the sumptuous goodies at the party, so it was worth the wait!!

Lesson: The fact that we cannot see what God is doing behind the scenes does not mean he is not doing anything. Simply because others come after you and are getting their blessings, don’t let it move you. Just be patient and know that God who made you loves you and is well aware of all that is happening and is working everything out for your good. So my people, let me be your reminder as the year winds up and it seems as though so many of your heart’s desires have not been met yet, be rest assured, He has not forgotten you at all.

FRUSTRATED

Have you ever gotten to a low point in your life that made you doubt almost everything you know and believe? Have you ever felt angry, hurt, betrayed and abandoned by the one person you have always found solace in? Have you ever dared to look at God and call him a liar and tell him you do not trust him, nor his words because everything he has said that you believed and held him to just wasn't breaking even? Have you ever gotten to a point that you don't even care what the Almighty God can do to you, in fact,  you have zeroed your mind that if it means him taking your life, he should but you will tell him how you feel without any apologies? Ever sat and wondered or asked ‘where is God when it hurts the most'? I have felt all this and more, so much more! Lucky for you, I have an answer.

For those of you who have never experienced any of these, I do not envy you. Even though then, I may have been tempted to because everything around me simply didn't seem to work. I had tried everything and had played every card in my hand including my joker. I felt as if I was down and out.

Usually, I am an idealist by nature, super optimistic and trusting but at this time and stage in my life; I had just about had it. I have had enough of the church gimmicks, the New Year and month slogans, trying to fall in love with the right guy and praying to find a job or school. I was down and out. Above all, I was angry, disappointed and out rightly frustrated.

The word frustrated as Google defines it is a ‘feeling or expressing distress and annoyance resulting from an inability to change or achieve something'. That explained how I was feeling the year 2009.  Let me backtrack a little:

All through my life growing up, I hardly faced major issues or challenges. Everything that came my way, I seemed to surmount and scale through. I had finished school with good grades, was young, hardworking, exposed, independent, beautiful, loved God and had served in all the right places. Never in my wildest thoughts would I have dreamt or believed that I would finish my National Youth Service and not have a job waiting on my doorsteps, but that was exactly what had happened.

 I had wanted to marry at the age of 22 but from all indications, that was not going to happen. In the love department, I had many nice suitors, but I didn't like any of them enough to date or dare to picture marrying them and concerning a job, no such thing seemed to be happening. I had applied for at least 50 jobs and had attended so many interviews, only to never hear from them again or just get rejection after rejection. Every time that happened, I would simply tell myself, another door would open. Perhaps that was not God's will for me so imagine my pain when all the cards I had in my hand, I had played and still, I had no job and no admission from any university to further my education.

I had tried everything I knew how to. I had prayed, fasted in fact, almost all through my life, I had served God to the best of my ability and loved Him dearly. Nothing ever made more sense to me or made me happier than knowing that God was my father. Being that I had an amazing earthly father, it made it so much easier to relate with my heavenly one.

Goodness, I can still see the last rejection I received and it was just too much to bear. I was ready to throw in the towel and give up. I could not sleep, despite the sleep-aid I had taken. I was in so much pain and distress and what made it worse for me was the fact that the God and Father I have known and trusted seemed to have failed and abandoned me. I could not understand why He didn't want to help me get a job or a school or even find love where I could just get married like most of my friends and relatives. Everyone's life seemed to be moving except mine.

Why did God who claimed to love me, be hurting me so much. It seemed like He just stood there and let the Devil knock me down and stab me again and again and again. I mean, He is God Almighty, the I am that I am, the Alpha and Omega, the One who makes all impossibilities possible so why was He turning a blind eye on my case?

So I decided that enough was enough, it’s time to meet with God and ask certain questions. That night, I went outside and faced God squarely. I was ready to die if need be, what more could he do to me beyond what he was already doing? My life felt almost worthless to me and I was just fed up. So there I was, in front of the house at midnight, facing the heavens and telling (pouring put my pain from the depth of my heart) God everything I had mentioned in my first few paragraphs. I told Him, He was a liar, I didn't trust nor believe Him anymore and in my heart, I was going to leave Jos (where I was living) and go to Abuja to just become that bad girl. I wanted to do something that would hurt God as much as He had hurt me. I wanted Him to feel my pain. I was going to take a drastic step to hurt Him. I laugh in retrospect because if the truth is told, if I had done what I had conceived in my heart, I would have been the one who got hurt and not God.

I was venting to my older sister about my pain and what I thought of God at that moment. I could almost hear my sister on the other side of the line almost in tears as she kept trying to encourage me and answer the questions I was hurling. I kept asking her "why me'? ‘ God, why me'? ‘What have I done to deserve all this'? I see You going to different lengths to help people who don't love You, revere You nor obey Your commands, but here I am, doing my utmost best to just be what You have asked of me and yet, You do nothing to help me.

I said ‘people ask dumb questions like ‘where is God when it hurts the most'? They should not bother asking that anymore because I can answer it for them. He is where He always is when people need Him; ‘nowhere to be found'? The same place He was when His Son was hanging on the cross and calling out to Him for help!

My sister was almost dying on the other side of the line because she had never heard me speak like that and she knew how much I was hurting, but for once in her life, she could do nothing in her capacity as big sister to help me. She was helpless against the situation. She just kept saying ‘remember, you are the special one' (and no, she is not a Chelsea fan for those of you wondering). I had been bashed in so many ways by God, but I always seemed to find the strength to get up, dust myself off and fight again, but not this time, this time, I felt like I was down and out. Game over! I told my sister I did not want to be ‘the special one anymore'. I wanted to be ‘ordinary and normal like everyone else because normal people don't have it as rough as I was. This was not the first time stuff had happened to me, but this to me was more than I could handle.

In my family, I am the encourager the one who can get you through almost anything with words and faith, so imagine when that kind of person seems to accept defeat.

God and I were no longer friends and if I spoke to Him again, it was simply because my mother had raised me right and so I would say ‘good morning to Him and Goodnight but no more chit chat and being friends'! I was done with it and Him as well.

I packed my bags a few days later and was off to Abuja to just do everything wrong. I was done being good. I was going to come and just be a wild child. I didn't tell anyone my plan and so no one could stop me.

I had come to spend a few weeks with my then best friend, Hadiza Aboki (RIP my darling will always love you). When I got there, we spoke about my hurt and my new resolution. Like everyone else, Hadiza didn't know what to say, but being a person of few words, she brought out her Our Daily Manner (ODM) devotional and said we should use it to pray every day. I just indulged her, but my mind was far gone from there. A week had passed and I was still not talking to God, but being a Father who knows his kids well, He let me be for a while.

Hadiza had gone out and I was alone in the house when I heard God begin to speak to me. Our conversation went a bit like this:

GOD: My darling Serah, I know you are angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated. You are so angry with me and I know. Do you remember when you were kids and escorted your mom to the hospital to get your baby sister immunized?

Me: Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?

God: Do you remember how angry you were with your mom for not stepping in to save ‘your baby' while watching the nurses and other people take her blood and give her shots while she cried and cried?

Me: Yes, I remember. I was so upset with my mom for doing nothing. I felt she was watching these strangers hurt our baby while she did nothing. I recall not wanting to talk to her at all after because of it (forgetting that I did not carry this child in my womb for 9 months but hey, I was only about 6 years old then).

God: Do you recall when you came back to Nigeria and your little brother of fewer than 2 years caught pneumonia and had to be given a lot of shots to treat him?

Me: Yes, I remember. I remember how depressed my mother was watching my uncle give him shot after shot while seeing her son cry helplessly, but she could do nothing to stop the process.

God: Serah, your mother didn't stop the process with any of your younger ones not because she couldn't but because she is a parent and every good parent knows that if they stop the process, the child can die. If your mom had said " Doctor, Stop it, my baby is crying too much, I can't stand to see my child in pain and had taken any of them away, there was a major possibility that pneumonia would have killed my brother or in the years to come, any of the 7 killer diseases could spring up and being that my sister was not immunized against it, she could easily die. Your mother didn't step in because she loved her kids too much.

Just like your mother, I am a Father, Your Father! I love you more than you could ever imagine and that is why I sent My Son to die for you. If I could sacrifice Him to save you, then is there anything good that I won't give you? You asked where I am when it hurts the most?  Serah, guess what, I am always there. The same place I was when I watched My Son hung on the cross to save humanity. Like your mother, I will not want to stop the process in your life because I want to make sure you are immune to anything the Devil may want to send your way in the near future that may threaten to take your life or take your faith.

Your earthly parents are not happy when they see you crying, hurt or frustrated over this matter so why or how would you think I would be happy? If they could, they would do anything in their capacity to stop you from hurting the way you are but they can't. They cannot love you more than Me Serah and so just know that anything I allow or permit in your life is for your good and will work out for your good perhaps not now but it will.

O my, I felt happy, thankful and joyful. God had spoken to my heart the way He knew I needed it. I didn't execute my Abuja plan again. There was no need to. My father had just taken the time to let me know that He is well aware of all I was feeling and I mattered to Him.

Things did not change for me immediately for those of you wondering. I didn't get a job or a boyfriend or a school offer to pursue my masters that year but I had gotten more than that. I had gotten a word that would stay with me forever.

So here I was, sometime last week watching my life take on this funny roller coaster journey with the worst of them being when yours truly, my Nailah was on admission due to a ‘ high bacterial load and malaria'. While watching them administer drip and give her injections, I was so sad and felt a bit helpless but knew she needed it. Truth be told, whenever my kids are ill, I wish it was me instead. I wish I could take that disease upon myself and let them just be in good health, but as we all know, it can't be. One of the most devastating scenarios is when they come to give her a shot. Being that she is terrified of needles, she screams, cries, begs and does a whole lot not to take it, but we all have to hold her down because we know she needs it to get better.

One of those days, while watching everything play out, I remembered what God had explained to me in 2009.

Are you feeling Frustrated? Or ready to give up and throw in the towel? Please don't. It is all a process and God is working everything out for your good (Rom 8:28). He has not forgotten you and never will. I may not know your exact situation or how you feel, but trust me, I have a good idea. I was there at a point in time, but God brought me out strong. Those are just a few of the reasons why I trust and love Him so much. If it hurts you so much, Shout it out to the heavens and tell Him exactly how you feel. He is not afraid of your pain, your words or your anger rather; He wants to know it all. When you come before Him, bear it all to Him. Trust me, He can handle anything you have to say or do.

God truly loves you and so do I. Please stay in the process!!!