THE GREEN PAPER

It was the 14th of February, 2018, I was dressed up for my visa interview at the American embassy and prepared for a lovely valentine's day to celebrate St. Valentine and my supposed visa. I had prayed about it for weeks and was as ready as I could ever be. I had rehearsed the interview in my mind and I was positive that the outcome would be in my favor but Ta!  (Nigerian exclamation) that was far from what happened when I got there.

I left the embassy with no visa, a lot of questions, so much disappointment and anger. I could not believe that my visa was denied due to ‘a simple misinterpretation in English'. Apparently, when they ask 'place of residency' after you have your baby in America, you are expected to enter your country name if you are not resident in America (learn o). I, on the other hand, entered the name of the place I was temporarily residing in because I interpreted the question that way. I was used to filling British forms which would ask for 'permanent home address'. My bills had all been paid after giving birth to Nailah. I had zero outstanding bills from the hospital and pediatrician and so I was a bit upset that due to the aforementioned, my visa was denied.

Anyway, after leaving the embassy, I went back to the office and into the loving and receiving arms of my colleagues and cubicle mate who had already had their fair share of visa rejections and kept trying to cheer me up. I was a wounded but humble Sese because, in my heart, I was a 'patriotic American'; being that some of my earlier years were spent there and I loved America and the system. If anyone was going to receive a rejection that day, I did not picture myself being one of them but, there we were!

I got home and my husband tried his best to cheer me up as well, but I was still sad and replaying the entire incident in my head. If it were something else they had used against me, I may not have been hurt, but an unintentional misinterpretation of a simple question just seemed unfair and harsh. How could God and my angels let that happen?  I thought.

The next day, I got to work and was still a bit down when a friend of mine asked if I had heard what had happened to another friend of ours who was pregnant. The tears started flowing once she told me my friend had missed a step and lost her baby at about seven months. I couldn't believe it because a week before my embassy visit, we had chatted with that friend of mine and I even envied (in a good way) the fact that she already had her visa, money, and everything she needed to go have her baby. She was not going to have to visit the 'dreaded embassy' because in all honesty, that year American visas seemed to be scarce as rejection papers were flying left, right and center.

Amid my tears, I heard God say, "Are you still upset that you didn't get your visa?” Well here is someone who has everything you think you want, but doesn't have the baby to go with it!" I was a slightly humbled at that point.

In spite of what had happened and what God had told me, I was still a bit upset over the matter (acting like a spoilt child). Two days after my friend's incident, my sister called to tell me of an in-law of hers who was also pregnant and had indeed delivered her baby but had complications after the birth and died. Goodness gracious!  That was a bit too much for me. I was heartbroken. I could not believe all that was happening because the three of us all had miscarriages the previous year (2017) and it seemed like we got pregnant again at about the same time too.  Again, I heard God say to me "Serah, are you still angry with me? Here is someone who has what your friend lost, but has no life to take care of the child!" Ha, once more I was humbled, but it seemed like the point had still not sunk in completely.

 I had planned to reapply for my visa the second time to see if after notarizing Nailah's (my first daughter) birth certificate, I could get my visa because, in all honesty, it was a genuine mistake or misinterpretation of English. My husband and I had agreed that if I didn't get it the second time, then we would accept it as God's will for the baby since not every child has their destinies tied to being born abroad. I knew what we had agreed on but still, I prayed the outcome would be in my favor as I longed for a mini holiday before giving birth to my second child and I badly wanted to have a burger from Burgerking.

Once again, I went into the embassy and came out “visaless”. I was a bit sad and upset but it felt nothing like the first time. I tried talking to myself and reminding myself that "all things are working together for my good and that of my baby”; for God's plan is always better than our best plans.

While I tried self-talk and conditioning my mind to give birth in Nigeria, despite the poor reports I had received concerning our health care system, I went back to the office, and again, my friend met me at the gate rushing out of the office. She asked how my interview went and I told her. She hugged me and said not to worry. She had to rush to the hospital to see her sister-in-law who had just had a miscarriage at 6months plus or so. 

What in tarnation was going on? I wondered. Never had I seen a year where the loss of life was so rampant and what hurt most was the fact that I knew and was connected to all of these people and cared for them. While I pondered over the situation, I heard God come to me again asking if I was still hurt and sad over my visa rejection. My dear people, at that point, I completely understood that visa or no visa, I needed to be grateful as I was alive and so was my baby. God had shown me mercy even when I didn't deserve it at all.

I thank God for his patience with me. God is such an amazing Father. He understands our hurts and disappointments as well as our little or big tantrums and is patient with us. I gave birth to Anaiah on the 6th of May and only then, did I truly understand why God had ensured that the embassy had denied me a visa. If you have not read my stories about Anaiah, then I encourage you to make out time and read my previous blogs: 'The Gratitude Attitude', 'Not about you' and ‘Testimony'. If I had her anywhere outside of this beautiful Nigeria, the bills, as well as emotional turmoil, would have overwhelmed me.

So what is the lesson in all this? I learned that there is always something to be grateful for; no matter how bad I think a situation is. I also learned to trust God's decisions and know that He will always do what is best for me even if His best and my selfish, shortsighted best seem worlds apart for He knows the end of every matter from the very beginning.

Finally, for those who have ever received that ‘green paper’ from the embassy, just smile and be grateful that you have life because at the appointed time, God will cause that door to open up and even if He doesn't, remember He is still God, still loves you dearly and is doing the utmost best for you in ways you probably can’t see just yet.